Recently, in a fit of anger I stopped answering my cell phone when my wife called. I lost my temper and took on a "to hell with it" attitude. It wasn't real mature and was definitely passive aggressive. It was hardly fair to her and it escalated the intensity of the argument. "A man's own angry pride," wrote the English Poet Laureate Alfred Tennyson, "is cap and bells for a fool."It is the same mindset of the child when, he or she doesn't get to be in charge, takes the ball and goes home. The idea that my attitude was childish is not appealing but it is accurate. As such, at forty-one years of age I've been giving the idea of "maturity" a lot of thought recently.
I like the idea of maturity being a "term used to indicate that a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner". Acting in an "appropriate manner" sounds simple enough but when I lose my temper at some moron driver and give them the one fingered salute, gossip about someone at work I dislike or even shirk my household responsibilities I'm certainly not being "appropriate" - let alone mature. In truth, it is the same reaction many eighth graders have when they are angry; I just do it with a better vocabulary.
During this contemplation of "maturity" as an action, I've been watching people around me trying to get a sense of what maturity looks like. What I discovered is no one individual is always mature. We all have our exposed nerve, that once stepped on causes us to revert to adolescence - and occasionally a toddler.
Most of the arguments in my marriage revolve around issues of maturity. One of my areas of immaturity is with money - I'm not good with it because I don't care about it. It's been an expensive lesson: due dates are not intended to be optional. Another is painting. The first time my wife asked me to paint I basically threw a tantrum. And I was thirty six.
What I've discovered is that all my actions are either mature or immature. Simple enough but it raised the question of why choose to react immature when intellectually I know it often involves negative consequences. What I discovered shocked me: I react immaturely when I'm in fear and maturely when I love. And when I say "love" I do not mean some romanticized, after-school special, vampire/werewolf Twilight version of love. I'm talking about "love" as a universal principle. Love is the absence of fear.
Every immature action I've ever taken in my life is because I fear one of three things:
- I won't get what I want
- I will lose something I have or
- I've done something wrong and what will happen when others find out
In other words all of immature behavior is because I'm selfish, greedy, gluttonous, lustful, and pride-filled. I'm like the dog with two bones - I don't need two but I'm not going to share them either.
In talking with a friend about this she gave me this checklist. I don't know where it came from or where she found it but it is worth sharing. At the end of the day I read over the list and ask myself if I behaved in an appropriate manner. If I'm acting mature all my behaviors flow out of love.
Maturity is...
- Accepting that I will never be perfect - and neither will others
- Knowing who I am and what I value
- Asking for help when I need it and acting on my own when I don't
- Admitting I am wrong and making amends
- Accepting love from others, even if I'm having a tough time loving myself
- Recognizing I always have a choice and taking responsibility for the ones I make
- Seeing that life is a blessing
- Having an opinion without insisting that others share it
- Forgiving myself and others
- Having the courage to live one day at a time
- Acknowledging that my needs are my responsibility
- Caring for people without having to need to take care of them
- Recognizing my strengths and weaknesses
Some "real men" will bristle at the touchy-feely-ness of the list so I've revised the list slightly to let them embrace their manliness. Like all manly things the list is less wordy.
ReplyDeleteMaturity...
* Recognizes everyone screws up
* Knows what tastes good and what does not
* Knows directions are meant to be read before assembly
* Realizes if you broke it - fix it or buy it.
* Knows if you cannot fix it, admit it and call someone who can
* Accepts love from others, even if when they don't feel like it
* Recognizes "good initiative and poor judgment"
* Lives the dream, baby!
* Knows liking musicals doesn't make someone a bad person
* Faces adversity with character
* Communicates both through actions and words
* Is willing to admit, "My bad"
I think the first thing you said is right on, looking at maturity as an action, but you might have gone the usual route in naming character traits instead of the thought process. When you said that it's acting in an "appropriate way," you should stop there, because appropriate allows that not all of the actions are going to, necessarily, seem like the ideal human behavior, nice as those behaviors might be.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of the people have gotten it wrong or, at least, have not gotten it. I’ve recently been trying to sort out ‘maturity’ on my own, trying to understand what it is. The problem that I see, is that most people define ‘maturity’ as an opposite of ‘immaturity,’ so that, instead of it being a specific action on its own, it’s just not behaving a certain way. This says a lot, as though we naturally assume the immature actions first, or area always wary of them. But maturity isn't, as a lot of people tend to assign it, just a matter of being precocious or even cautious.
What we need is a more specific definition of maturity, and not just some general sense of doing good or making good decisions. I don’t think it has anything to do with what you choose do do, but how you make those choices. See what you think about my take on it, in “How to Be a Grownup”