Do you have friends?

I've been burned.

I've been burned by "friends" and "family". As a result I have difficulty trusting people. As a result I sometimes burn others. My track record in relationships - both male and female - is spotty at best. I have difficulty with the intimacies of friendship, of family, of community and of life. There are only one or two people who I am spiritually close with - who I've cried with or shared my pain and joys with. I'd like there to be more but at 41 it's hard to change my spots.

The first time I came across this poem from Walt Whitman I fell to my knees in agony. It broke my heart because I truly understood the loneliness, the bitterness and the envy.

It is best to read it aloud.

When I peruse the conquer’d fame of heroes, and the victories of mighty generals, I do not envy the generals, Nor the President in his Presidency, nor the rich in his great house; But when I hear of the brotherhood of lovers, how it was with them, How through life, through dangers, odium, unchanging, long and long, Through youth, and through middle and old age, how unfaltering, how affectionate and faithful they were, Then I am pensive—I hastily walk away, fill’d with the bitterest envy.

Walt Whitman, (1819–1892). Leaves of Grass. 1900

Call your friend. Let someone know you care. Let them know that they are not alone. In this way you never will be.

Top 13 Life Changing Adventures

"The test of an adventure is that when you’re in the middle of it, you say to yourself, 'Oh, now I’ve got myself into an awful mess; I wish I were sitting quietly at home.' And the sign that something’s wrong with you is when you sit quietly at home wishing you were out having lots of adventure."

Thornton Wilder (1897–1975)
U.S. novelist, dramatist. Barnaby, in The Matchmaker, act 4

Top 13 Life Changing Adventures

These are the adventures in my life when I wish i was sitting quietly at home. They are also the adventures I'm living.

13. Being an Infantryman in the United States Marine Corp
12. Owning an Allstate Insurance office
11. Being a lousy Infantryman in the United States Marine Corp
10. Marrying my first wife
09. Working off the coast of Maine aboard the schooners Grace Bailey and Mercantile
08. Returning to Ohio Dominican University at 30 to earn my degree in middle childhood education
07. Marriage to my second wife
06. Bankrupting an Allstate Insurance Office
05. Divorcing my first wife
04. Raising two step-children: Alex and Leo
03. Discovering how to overcome the resentment, bitterness and jealousy associated with growing up in an alcoholic home
02. Being the father to a daughter
01. Being estranged from my daughter

What is maturity?

Recently, in a fit of anger I stopped answering my cell phone when my wife called. I lost my temper and took on a "to hell with it" attitude. It wasn't real mature and was definitely passive aggressive. It was hardly fair to her and it escalated the intensity of the argument. "A man's own angry pride," wrote the English Poet Laureate Alfred Tennyson, "is cap and bells for a fool."

It is the same mindset of the child when, he or she doesn't get to be in charge, takes the ball and goes home. The idea that my attitude was childish is not appealing but it is accurate. As such, at forty-one years of age I've been giving the idea of "maturity" a lot of thought recently.

I like the idea of maturity being a "term used to indicate that a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner". Acting in an "appropriate manner" sounds simple enough but when I lose my temper at some moron driver and give them the one fingered salute, gossip about someone at work I dislike or even shirk my household responsibilities I'm certainly not being "appropriate" - let alone mature. In truth, it is the same reaction many eighth graders have when they are angry; I just do it with a better vocabulary.

During this contemplation of "maturity" as an action, I've been watching people around me trying to get a sense of what maturity looks like. What I discovered is no one individual is always mature. We all have our exposed nerve, that once stepped on causes us to revert to adolescence - and occasionally a toddler.

Most of the arguments in my marriage revolve around issues of maturity. One of my areas of immaturity is with money - I'm not good with it because I don't care about it. It's been an expensive lesson: due dates are not intended to be optional. Another is painting. The first time my wife asked me to paint I basically threw a tantrum. And I was thirty six.

What I've discovered is that all my actions are either mature or immature. Simple enough but it raised the question of why choose to react immature when intellectually I know it often involves negative consequences. What I discovered shocked me: I react immaturely when I'm in fear and maturely when I love. And when I say "love" I do not mean some romanticized, after-school special, vampire/werewolf Twilight version of love. I'm talking about "love" as a universal principle. Love is the absence of fear.

Every immature action I've ever taken in my life is because I fear one of three things:

1. I won't get what I want
2. I will lose something I have or
   
3. I've done something wrong and what will happen when others find out

In other words all of immature behavior is because I'm selfish, greedy, gluttonous, lustful, and pride-filled. I'm like the dog with two bones - I don't need two but I'm not going to share them either.

In talking with a friend about this she gave me this checklist. I don't know where it came from or where she found it but it is worth sharing. At the end of the day I read over the list and ask myself if I behaved in an appropriate manner. If I'm acting mature all my behaviors flow out of love.

Maturity is...

• Accepting that I will never be perfect - and neither will others
• Knowing who I am and what I value
• Asking for help when I need it and acting on my own when I don't
• Admitting I am wrong and making amends
  
• Accepting love from others, even if I'm having a tough time loving myself
• Recognizing I always have a choice and taking responsibility for the ones I make
  
• Seeing that life is a blessing
• Having an opinion without insisting that others share it
• Forgiving myself and others
• Having the courage to live one day at a time
• Acknowledging that my needs are my responsibility
  
• Caring for people without having to need to take care of them
• Recognizing my strengths and weaknesses

Well that was stupid. Did you learn anything?

Top Five Victories of a Common Man

...or an Autobiography in Life Lessons

ONE

I certainly make mistakes in life. My past is littered with mistakes, errors, blunders, miscalculations, gaffes and full-blown fiascos. As my Marine Corp Drill Instructor might say: “Good initiative, poor judgment.” Sometimes, it wasn’t even good initiative. The reality is every one of those experiences has value. Of course, many are painful, some are embarrassing, and occasionally hilarious, but all are meaningful. Embracing my mistakes, instead of being ashamed of them, is an accomplishment that changed my outlook towards life.

TWO

How to love – there is an achievement worth mentioning. The tests are varied. Most are differentiated in order to maximize student comprehension: how to love a parent, a brother, a daughter from afar, an ex-wife, the ying and the yang, life, the enemy, myself, and the Universe. I’m still learning. Sometimes, I have to retake test. Sometimes, I get to teach the course.

THREE
Success! What an achievement! A checklist: Fortune? No. Fame? No. Glory? (He says with a chuckle) No. Then what is the merit for calling it achievement? A family reunited, a love found, a service performed, renewed trust, a seed planted, a garden grown, a risk taken, a wrong righted and truth honored and honored by truth. These are the results of a 1,000 personal and anonymous achievements.

FOUR

I hated my family. Not for any one particular reason, there were many. Given time I could probably list off several dozen. The perceived slights, slams, and snubs of an oversensitive and immature man trapped me behind resentments and fear. How the times have changed. Because of willingness, honesty and humility the hatred is gone replaced by respect and love – there is an achievement worth mentioning.

FIVE

When my daughter knocks on my door, I’ll be ready. I’ll be the best man I can be. When I wake-up every morning the goal is to be a better man then yesterday. Sometimes, I am. Sometimes, I’m not. I am more often then I use to be. If I’m dead, and she asks about me, I hope my friends can tell the truth without embellishment – “He was a fine man who loved you everyday.” That is the achievement I live towards.